LIFE LESSONS: PAIN

WARNING: DEEP AND HEAVY CONTENT BELOW!

I am no expert at this life thing, though I believe my experiences so far have given me insight into some issues that are part of our shared human experience. One thing that I have observed is that we all talk to each other, but there are a lot of deep and meaningful topics that we do not talk about. I recently started watching TED talks on their website (https://www.ted.com/) and on their YouTube channel to expand my knowledge and learn from different people. There are so many fascinating, smart and educated people from all over the world speaking about different topics or their personal lives and work in educative, brief, creative and honest ways which expanded my mind and empathy. Hiding behind busyness and procrastination, I could not write for this blog the last few weeks until finally the inspiration bug bit and I took a page from the TED talks and got personal about my life and hope that what I say is sincere as it is informative. You have the complete freedom to agree or disagree with what I have written in this piece. My only request is that you have an open mind and perhaps you could learn something just as I keep learning every day.

A few of the TED talks I watched this week related to people sharing their personal pains, what they learnt from the experience and how they developed from it. This made me realize that we all experience pain in our lives and understanding what it is and how it affects our well being was something I felt I could share on. There have been other life lessons, which I will share in an ongoing series on this blog.

Pain is a universally understood concept but what does it mean? There are typically three types of pain varying in cause, intensity, location, pattern of occurrence, quality, level of treatment required, duration and other significant factors. The first is physical pain, which is a sensory and emotionally distressing experience that is usually a symptom of medical conditions. Our bodies also use pain as a defense mechanism to keep us away from unpleasant stimuli so we avoid that harmful situation. Then there is psychological pain which has many names such as suffering, mental pain, emotional pain, social pain or spiritual pain. It is inescapable in our human existence because it happens when there are ungratified psychological needs. Last, there is psychogenic pain which is pain caused by, increased or prolonged by mental, emotional, or behavioral factors. We stigmatize sufferers of this pain because the source of it is not as "real" as physical or psychological causes. Headache, back pain, or stomach pain are some of the most common types of psychogenic pain. Do this sound like you or someone you know? This pain may occur, rarely, in persons with a mental disorder, but more commonly it manifests or induced by social rejection, broken heart, grief, lovesickness, or other such emotional events. We link chronic psychogenic pain to stress, unexpressed emotional conflicts, psychosocial problems, or various mental disorders. Some specialists believe that psychogenic chronic pain exists as a protective distraction to keep dangerous repressed emotions such as anger or rage out of our immediate awareness.

When people feel emotional pain, the same areas of the brain get activated as when people feel physical pain. How one experiences and responds to pain relates to sociocultural characteristics, such as gender, ethnicity, belief systems and age. "When the body feels pain, one's thoughts and emotions are influenced by how much pain is felt. Depression and anxiety make pain worse, yet pain causes depression and anxiety. Stress makes pain worse, yet pain causes stress. Lack of sleep makes pain worse, yet it is very difficult to sleep when you have pain." (Pain: Psychological Treatment). We are often taught not to take pain too seriously or to "be strong" but sometimes pain can overwhelm and consuming that it cannot easily go away unless treated correctly.

Woman in pain

Man in pain

I don't have a lot of experience with physical pain so I will focus more on psychological pain. I have a general disdain for pain, as I imagine many people do. I think needles are fascinating as long as they stay outside of my body. Exercising is a good pain that I enjoy but don't engage enough in. Someone recently asked me what my biggest fear is, and I said "dying a painful death." If the circumstances are beyond my control there is nothing I can do about it but I would rather die in my sleep than experience a prolonged, painful death like from a road accident. I recall painful experiences in my life and have seen how they affected me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially. There was losing my grandparents in 2001 and 2008, a breakup from two years ago, emotional distress from overworking  and childhood trauma. From each of these experiences I have discovered emotions and limitations on how much pain I can take. I also learnt the healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with pain as I processed the meaning of these events.

I think everyone has experienced childhood trauma, some are just more fortunate than others not to be affected by it than the rest of us. Though the words are synonymous, I would say that my pain has been melancholy rather than depression. My temperament is even Melancholy-Phlegmatic which means I am an organized, detail oriented analyst who prefers being alone with tendencies of being self-sacrificing and self-critical besides having a strong sense of justice.

Me through most of my childhood and early adulthood

The specific traumatic event in my childhood was that I attempted suicide when I was 10 years old. Yes, you read that right. There were some words said to my preteen self that traumatized me. Without getting into too much detail, they said that my life was worthless, and I would do nothing meaningful when I grew up. The trauma was in both the words said and the anger in which they expressed them. Being a child, I figured this adult definitely had more knowledge than me and convinced myself they were right. I blocked out a lot of memories from my childhood so I don't exactly remember how long it took between this conversation and the day of my suicide attempt, or even what day it was. All I vividly remember are the things that happened. I came back home from school that afternoon to an empty house, my family was at work and we didn't have a maid so in the silence guilty, paranoid and shameful thoughts screamed in my head until I decided that the only way they would stop and the only way I could avoid that deviant future prophesied against me was to end my life so I don't have to disappoint my family with my impending failures. I filled the bathtub with water and put on my Sunday dress because I wanted to look my best. Then I wrote a note explaining why and who was to blame. I remember standing in the bathroom staring at the water for a long time until I started to cry as I got into the tub and slowly slid down. Because I was crying, it was difficult to stay under the water so I got out and became angry at myself because here was another thing I couldn't do thus proving the point of why I was doing it. I stood there, drenched in water and tears trying to convince myself to go back in and finish the job. As I cried and wailed and was about to go back in I suddenly heard a voice in my right ear. It caught my attention because it was a whisper. It was God, and all He said was "stop, it's going to be okay" and He said it repeatedly until I said "okay God" and decided to trust the voice. After crying for a few more minutes at the magnitude of what I would do, I drained the tub, discarded the note and put the drenched dress on the line to dry. When my grandmother came back home that evening and asked why my church dress was outside, I lied and said that I was trying it on because I was excited to go to church on Sunday and had accidentally stained it. She died without knowing the truth of what happened that day.

I have always been an introvert, mostly by circumstance and mostly by choice. I particularly became more inwardly drawn after this painful experience and struggled with low self esteem, anxiety and insecurities for many years. I even wanted to become a model as a teenager because I desperately wanted have confidence in myself. A brief but good career came out of it though it did not fill the hole in my heart. Eventually, after carrying all this sadness on my soul, I realized I couldn't take it anymore, and that it was up to me to keep being weighed down and afraid or to find a new way of living. It took me even longer to go back and ask the Voice that saved me for some help. In hindsight, I also see now how that event affected my relationships and the guys I was with. I have never been with overtly abusive men but I attracted insecure ones or those who devalued/demeaned me in subtle ways, cleverly hidden in condescending jokes made at my expense or random abrasive comments made in private.

How did I deal with all this pain? The first and most important thing is to TALK ABOUT IT, pain is subjective but it is universal. You are not alone if you are having a difficult time or going through physical distress. The first person in my family I talked to about what happened to me was my mum and that was only in 2014. I wish that I had said something sooner especially to her. She could always tell that I was struggling but could never really get me to tell her why. If you deal with chronic physical pain, it's important to join support groups or make friends with people who have similar conditions so you can share your experiences. If your pain is non physical have a friend, mentor, pastor/spiritual leader or even therapist you can talk to. I started going to therapy towards the end of last year after my breakup and a tumultuous phase in my career, desperately needing to repair a damaged soul and to get coping skills. I went for a few months and still use some things I learned until this day.  I never got to talk about my suicide attempt with my therapist but the tools she suggested enabled me to confront all the major events in my past and assess how they affect me now. If you or anyone you know needs to talk about mental health problems, please comment or send me an email and I will recommend places and people to see. Lets stop using our African-ness/Blackness as an excuse for stigmatization and not addressing our problems. I don't have a lot of money either but the small monies I invested into therapy was incomparable to the price I would pay if I carried on how I was living.

The second way I dealt with pain was forgiveness. The prophet who foretold my bleak future was also in pain, as is often said hurt people hurt people. It is only in the last decade that I forgave them let and practiced self love. We have people in our lives we trust and depend on that have hurt us. Some do it intentionally while others unconsciously take out their pain on others but both rarely realize the effects of what they are doing on the wronged. If you are carrying any pain from your past, let it go. Forgiveness isn't for the benefit of the forgiven but of the forgiver. Forgiveness sets you free from all those burdening emotions such as fear, anger, bitterness and resentment. A Pastor I knew once said "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." You might want an apology from the person but what happens if you never confront them or if they do not apologize or worse they refuse to apologize? It depends on what they did but it's usually better if you forgive them without an apology because that is the mark of true forgiveness. For me, it took hearing this person apologizing for all the hurt they had caused me and I literally felt that heavy feeling of resentment lift from my heart after attempting to forgive them on my own for so long. This apology came in 15 years later but I would have preferred not to wait that long. I reached the conclusion that I had only dealt with the surface feelings of that pain to redeem my self-esteem but I was still carrying this insidious animosity towards them and that had affected our relationship over the years. I wish I didn't need the apology but hearing it was that last chain to break. Whether you are also waiting to receive or give an apology, just remember that unforgiveness is selfish and unforgiveness is selfless. One justifies your feelings as you live in constant condemnation of yourself and others while the other takes the power away from your pain and gives you the freedom to carry on with your life. Which one of us doesn't deserve mercy?

Lastly, from pain I learned the art of joy. After experiencing pain, joy seems even more rewarding, satisfying and liberating. Being a Christian has taught me the sacrifice that comes with joy though that has been a long arduous journey on its own which I will get into another time. Being a Christian isn't a promise of bliss in this life because there is evil and hate in this world and we have to confront it. As a believer, I know that The Bible definitely shows us the issues we deal with in life and the practical ways we should deal with them. Some of my favorite verses regarding joy and pain are

James 1:2-3 

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors" (MSG) 

Romans 5:3-5 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (NIV) 

Though what happened to me as a child was tragic and trying it wasn't unnecessary. I wasted a lot of years feeling bad but now I realize that I am strong and defiant because I KNOW that my life is precious and I am valued by God even if no one else ever says it to me.  I have no power to choose WHETHER the past shapes my future, only HOW it shapes it. I know that relationships are important but I should not attach my whole identity to them, especially the unhealthy ones. I no longer have fear as I used to and have experienced the freedom that comes with loving God, self and others.  My faith has helped me realize that there was a lot of self righteousness and pride in my heart which I justified with a victimhood mentality. The anguish was languishing my soul which as a creative I need to be healthy otherwise I can't work.  From a psychological perspective, joy involves peace and a feeling of contentment with life along with a desire to share one’s feelings with other people. Having joy means more engagement of the environment, an increase in energy and feelings of confidence and self-esteem.

Though pain was a cruel teacher, it has shown me I do not want to be in pain neither do I want to inflict it on another person. Every day is an opportunity for me to be better in these areas.

Are you in pain? Are you doing anything about it? Are you willing to let go of your pain and reach for more?

"Did you ever say yes to a pleasure?

Oh my friends, then you also said yes to all pain.

All things are linked, entwined, in love with one another."

"What does not kill me, makes me stronger."

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche