ANXIETY vs AMBITION
I've lived with this monkey on my back for a long time, I know exactly what's happening. The cause could be one or many, clear or unclear. All I know is that there seems to be a pattern. I am about to do something great with my life and my anxiety is here to crash the party. I've been here before. It starts in little ways, subtle but slowly suffocating. I don't pray, I halfheartedly read the Bible, I keep telling myself I have stuff to do but never actually do them. I work on projects last minute or forget them completely. I look at the hours go by and think I'll work better later until later is late and I'm tired. I start sleeping late, bingeing a show or starting a film I know I shouldn't have started after midnight. My room is a little messy and so are my thoughts which just reminds me I am a mess too. Before I know it, days, weeks (or months) have passed then I feel guilty for the time I've wasted.
Are sick people "wasting time" when they are unwell? Of course not. Why do we treat mental illness/problems as a waste of time when it's a sickness? Do you know what anxiety is? Fear and uncertainty. It sounds so mundane doesn't it? Who ISN'T afraid or uncertain of life, their decisions, their directions. What makes anxiety terrible is the varying degrees it manifests in and that it never looks the same in everyone. I've been told to be grateful, I have a (seemingly) good life and my problems aren't that big compared to what others are going through. Of course our problems are different, we are different people! My anxiety isn't less valid just because I am some kind of 'privileged'. Neither do I want to degrade someone else's pain. Tonight, right now, sucks for me and I hate it. I hate feeling this way and I hate the way it feels. Every time I take ten steps forward, my anxiety catches up in nine just to breathe on my neck. I have mixed feelings about the phrase 'one step a time.' It sounds so simple but it's hard to move when your fears are telling you it's not worth it and neither are you.
A friend of mine told me something a few months ago that stuck with me. I was having a similar episode, except that time the anxiety had won for two months. He said "push to work, don't push to heal." I thought it was the most profound thing I ever heard. No matter what we hear, say or do, healing should never be rushed. Working through the pain doesn't mean you're ignoring your emotions, it just means you want to feel something else. It just means you want to keep moving forward, you are tired of the pit stops the anxiety keeps making you take. I am a creative young African woman with dreadlocks. All those descriptors carry their own fears. I don't want to be an artist who can only create from their pain. I've tried it, I've seen other people do it. Its unsustainable and destructive because every time you have to spark a fuse to create, the more likely you are to explode one day. You ending up killing yourself and hurting the people around you.
This post is heavy, talk about emo MVP. I'm even laughing at myself a little. But I guess that means I feel better. My heart still hurts but I know I can't keep going back. As a wise man in a yellow beanie on Bojack Horseman once said, "The woods are dark and scary, but the only way out is through." So yeah, this post is sad and I'm anxious but I will get through this. Next time it happens I'll go through it again, like I have many times before. I know now that the more my life improves, the harder my anxiety will try to attack but I have to keep fighting. Good things are worth fighting for and I am a good person and a good artist.
I know that where I am going is better than where I've been and it's time I stopped getting in my own way. I need to keep working on my routine, improving my schedule and finding other outlets for my emotions, I can't push to heal but I can do things that push me forward. I know I've lost a lot because of it so I can't let the anxiety win anymore.
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