THE END AND THE BEGINNING
THE END
What is the urban life sans insanity?
I last published a blog post almost four months ago. The last time I even looked at this blog or my drafts was two months back. Time seems to fly by the fastest when you waste it.
Where have I been? Perhaps you are curious or couldn't care less. If you are a first-time reader, it might even surprise you I have a blog. Either way, welcome to the revived musings of a millennial figuring it out. Back to the question, I want to blame Miss Rona (why not Mr Rona, haven't men caused more calamities in this world than women? I digress) but like so many people in the world, this pandemic forced me to stop the business of busyness and really THINK about things I was unconsciously avoiding.
I will not bore you or scare you with any medical information about the virus. As you have heard many times before, wash your hands regularly, maintain social distancing if you insist on being outside, and stop being a selfish human. The last one isn't a regulation, but it has merit. Even if you don't believe that the virus is real, show compassion to those who have contracted it or lost loved ones, they also probably thought it wasn't real. Empathy is free, it does not diminish your beliefs.
When I was on campus, I blamed my endless schoolwork on keeping me from updating this blog. I've been to University before but I never had that many readings or research to do. News and information about the virus was readily available, but the situation wasn't yet dire. One of my courses requires me to read the news, but I got so depressed I made a conscious choice not to consume news anymore. You can philosophize with me about this but you are not responsible for my mental health. If you want to to assess this for yourself, a cursory or comprehensive internet search will give you the relevant information on how media affects our health.
When we were finally told to go home one week before we closed for midterms, I knew the situation was serious. I wrote in my journal the day before I left "going home indefinitely, though school says we will back in two weeks. Their optimism is, encouraging? Even though I am going home, I have to keep learning." I didn't realize how hard the last part would be or what exactly I was going to learn.
I tried to remain engaged and enthusiastic about life and school. Eventually that became draining, and that's when the depression began once the reality dawned on me. Waking up late, eating, social media, dinner, binge watching series into the AMs was my life for two months, don't let anyone convince you this is healthy. Existential dread and denial linger in the words we say, our media content and behavior. Forced change is terrifying before it becomes useful. One day I was in my fifth-floor room, enjoying the street view and thinking about my Linguistics test. The next I was at home, scrolling mindlessly through my phone, contemplating my mortality, morality, fantasies and faith.
The worst part about all this? I stopped creating and my faith withered away the more I avoided talking to God about how I felt. My family and my best friend tried to inspire and encourage me but I needed to find healing on my own. What's that phrase about leading a horse to water? You can't make it drink. My soul was utterly parched, physically, emotionally, spiritually, creatively. I realized it was time to drink otherwise I was going to die of thirst.
THE BEGINNING
Life is moments not movement
As places in the world open up because capitalism is insatiable even at the expense of those who maintain it, my soul was also waking up. Some days are better than others. Some days I will write and read. On a grand day, I will paint and study along with my other habits. Growing and learning has reduced the number of dreadful days significantly. Gratitude is sowing joy in my heart where fear used to be and I am doing my best to nourish it. Instead of building FOMO and instigating my insecurities on social media I choose instead to read, study and talk to God and my loved ones. I also turned off my notifications and noticed I feel lighter. Waiting for that beep can consume your mind and mood.
After giving careful thought to my ways, I realized I need to renew the two things that give me purpose; my faith and creativity. I am Christian by choice, though I have doubted and struggled in my walk as all believers do. My life and my attitude are better when I am engaged with God than when I am not. You can still get depressed even when you are at your "best" spiritually, I am learning to talk to God through it all. Doing that has opened my eyes and my heart to see things from a better perspective. Sometimes we want the truth suited to our convenience and comfort that we cannot see things the way they are. We could also philosophize about the existence of God but my job is to just live by my faith as much as I can while you choose what to believe.
Being creative has always been natural for me, it's only recently that I started declaring it comfortably. I loved colouring and music and writing and obsessively consumed art where I found it. I wrote my first poem when I was 8 years old and started performing twelve years later. Learning how to paint was one of my goals this year. Before the lockdown started I took my meagre savings and bought art supplies. Best expense of my life. I have found catharsis and challenge in it as much as I do with writing. I might talk about that journey soon and show you my amateur artworks in all their glory. I got myself a wonderful mentor who I need to use more. I am reading books about art and colour and recovering my creativity. I am finding my voice each time I paint, discovering my strengths and weaknesses as I create. I am refining ideas when I write or reflect on my journal entries. Seeing where you have been can be the lens that helps us see how far we can go.
What I am trying to say, in so many words, is that COVID-19 was the fuel that reignited my smouldering ambitions. Buried under ego, loss, anxiety, stress, and sadness, I couldn't see that I had everything I need right in front of me. I failed to recognize all my blessings as I smothered my faith with "everything sucks." Yeah things suck but I had to learn how to chew on them instead so I could relearn how to focus on the grand scheme of things.
I don't think life will ever get back to normal, that's coming from a realistic perspective. This pandemic has forced us to change, consider, adapt the way we work and connect with each other. It's been boring for some and brutal for others. It's been a learning experience and a prolonged normal state for others. I only hope that we don't forget and go back to taking things for granted. I hope I don't, neither should you.
This pandemic may be the end of life as we know it but it could also be the beginning of realizing what life should be about.
 |
REMINDER. Photo by Paolo Bendandi on Unsplash |
Has your life changed in this time? Have you learned, unlearned or relearned anything? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
We can also connect on my socials:
Comments
Post a Comment